Tips "Ceria" Dalam Lift

Berikut adalah tips agar tidak bete saat di dalam lift:

1. Ketika anda hanya berdua dengan orang tak dikenal, colek bahunya! Kemudian anda pura-pura melihat ke tempat lain...

2. Tekan tombol lift kemudian anda pura-pura kesetrum. Tersenyumlah, lalu... ulangi lagi...

3. Pasanglah muka menyeringai kesakitan sambil memegangi kepala anda dan mengumpat keras-keras : “Diam, semuanya diam!”

4. Gunakan HP anda untuk telpon ke Psikolog sambil bertanya apakah dia tahu di lantai berapa anda sekarang ?

5. Bawalah kamera dan ambilah gambar semua orang yang ada di dalam lift.

6. Pindahkan meja kerja anda ke dalam lift. Jika ada yang masuk, tanyakan apakah mereka sudah membuat janji ?

7. Bentangkan papan catur di lantai lift dan ajaklah orang-orang, barangkali ada yang mau bermain dan mencoba mengalahkan anda.

8. Letakkan sebuah bungkusan di pojok, jika ada yang masuk, tanyakan apakah mereka mendengar suara tik..tik..tik... (bukan bunyi hujan pastinya)

9. Anda pura-pura jadi pramugari/a Tunjukkan prosedur keselamatan penerbangan persis seperti di dalam pesawat terbang.

10. Ketika pintu menutup, beri pengumuman kepada orang-orang: "Tenang, jangan panik, nanti pasti terbuka lagi koq.. sumpeh deh"

11. Bukalah tas anda, sambil melihat ke dalam tas, tanyalah: “Udaranya cukup nggak disitu?”

12. Diam dan jangan bergerak sama sekali di pojok lift, menghadap dinding, jangan pernah keluar...

13. Bawalah wayang golek atau wayang kulit, gunakan wayang itu untuk ngobrol dengan orang di dekat anda.

14. Dengarkan suara di dinding lift dengan stetoskop.

15. Buatlah garis di lantai sekeliling anda menggunakan kapur, lalu bilang: "Ini adalah wilayah SAYA, Do Not Cross The Line".

Selamat mencoba, pasti orang2 senang dengan ke'ceria'an anda, atau apes2nya paling anda cuma dianggap ...

A '10 Husbands' Virgin

A Lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced her 10th husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" The woman said, "Well... my ...

Husband #1 was a Sales Representative,
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services,
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from a Field Services,
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing,
even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer,
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the- art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance & Administration,
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing,
although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychologist,
all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a Gynecologist,
all he ever did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector,
all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband with a smile, "but, why?"
The woman said with a wider smile, "You're a Lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get SCREWED..!!"

Love Making By Professions

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILE MEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.
WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

18 Things Joker Knows About Batman

Joker Presents the informations about his 'buddy' :

1. Batman (BETmen) manggil dirinya ? .....BETa
2. Senjatanya batman ? .....BETcheng
3. Kalau batcave-nya kebanjiran jadi apa ? .....BETchek
4. Obatnya batman ? .....BEThadine
5. Asalnya batman ? .....BETawi
6. Kendaraannya batman selain bat-mobile ? .....BETchak
7. Artis favoritnya batman ? .....BETharia sonata
8. Hobinya batman ? .....BETcanda
9. Makanan favorit batman ? .....BETagor
10. Kalo berlibur batman perginya kemana ? .....tiBET
11. Ngapain di Tibet ? .....BETapa
12. Temennya batman yang idungnya panjang ? .....BETruk (maksa..hehe)
13. Bat-cave lokasinya ada dimana ? .....kompleks Bet-Te-eN (Gubrak..)
14. Orang tuanya batman kerjanya ngapain ? .....BETani
15. Batman kalo di dunia kriminal jadinya ? .....JamBET (lebih maksa..hehe)
16. Batman nabungnya dimana ? .....BET-Ce-A
17. Merek kolornya Batman ? .....BT-Man
18. Panggilan Batman kalo jadi Bencong ? .....BETty

BETe deh si Betman....

Sebelum & Sesudah Menikah ...

Sebelum Menikah ...

Cowok : Akhirnya.. aku sudah menunggu saat ini tiba sejak lama

Cewek : Apakah kau rela kalau aku pergi ??

Cowok : Tentu Tidak!! Jangan pernah kau berpikiran seperti itu

Cewek : Apakah Kau mencintaiku ??

Cowok : Tentu !! Selamanya akan tetap begitu

Cewek : Apakah kau pernah selingkuh ??

Cowok : Tidak !! Aku tak akan pernah melakukan hal buruk itu

Cewek : Maukah kau menciumku ??

Cowok : Ya

Cewek : Sayangku...

Sesudah 5 tahun menikah...  (Silahkan dibaca dari bawah ke atas)

Pria Vs Cowok

Beda gak sih Pria ma Cowok??
Banyak kontroversi ttg pengertian Cowok sama Pria yg membuat para wanita dan cewek bingung. Nah skrg aku akan memberi solusi bagi anda kaum hawa, temasuk kriteria mana sih pasangan hidup anda sekarang?? Lets read it..!!!!!!!

Inilah Perbedaan mendasar antara seorang PRIA dan COWOK

P : Tahu jelas lima tahun lagi ia mau jadi apa
C : Tidak jelas lima menit lagi ia mau berbuat apa

P : Jago membuat wanita merasa tenang
C : Jago membuat cewek merasa senang

P : Bacaannya John Grisham, mainannya golf, tontonannya CNN
C : Bacaannya Harry Potter, mainannya bilyar, tontonannya MTV

P : Sebelum umur 30 sudah banyak uang
C : Sebelum umur 30 sudah banyak dosa

P : Seimbang antara penghasilan dan pemasukan
C : Seimbang antara hutang dan pembayaran minimum

P : Mendukung emansipasi wanita, tapi tetap membayari bon makan wanita
C : Mendukung emansipasi wanita dengan membiarkan wanita bayar sendiri

P : Punya akuntan, penjahit dan dokter langganan
C : Punya salon, kafe dan bengkel langganan

P : Meminta Anda nimbrung ngobrol kalau mamanya menelepon
C : Pura-pura Anda tidak bersamanya jika mamanya menelepon

P : Mencintai wanita 10 % pada pertemuan awal dan meningkat terus
C : Mencintai wanita 100 % pada pertemuan awal dan menurun terus

P : Berpikir dewasa seperti orang usia 40 tahun saat berusia 17 tahun
C : Berpikir kekanakan seperti orang usia 17 tahun saat berusia 40 tahun

P : Bisa menang hanya dengan otak dalam konflik
C : Cuma bisa ngamuk, adu mulut, n adu otot kalo konflik

P : Mikirnya "Aku masih kurang pengetahuan, harus belajar lebh banyak"
C : Mikirnya "Aku yang terhebat di muka bumi, siapapun aku hadapin !!!"

P : Otak no 1, digabungin otot kalo kepaksa
C : Otot no 1, ditambah otak, itupun kalo punya

P : Putus dengan pasangannya sambil berjabatan tangan dan mengakui sulitnya menjembatani perbedaan antar mereka berdua, diiringi ucapan, "Kita tetap bisa berteman selamanya."
C : Putus dengan pasangannya sambil kabur dari rumah, merokok berbatang-batang,
plus ucapan, "Jangan undang aku ke pernikahanmu nanti!"

So...
Which one are you/your partner????

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IT Acronyms

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can’t See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only For Teenagers
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well ;)

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